When life doesn't go as planed

This is a topic I didn't think I would talk about but I decided if this was going to be my 'journal' I need to include the painful times too. Around march of 2011, Patrick stared talking about having more kids. The idea is scary to me. There are days I'm barely getting through with the ones we have. Patrick would just say a few things here and there. In may I started to come around to the idea. Before I would agree to have more kids, I had to be ok with the idea of any thing that could happen. Before we had Whitney I never had a though other than having perfect kids. Now I'm in the situation where Brayden is having social problems (or so his teacher thinks) and a little girl with disabilities. Who knows what the next one could be. The last 3 years I have questioned my mothering abilities more than once. What would I create with another child, will I do anything to contribute to a kids life? After weeks of pondering and praying, I decided it was time to try.

The first of July I had my birth control removed. I was excited and ready. I was completely in the hands of the Lord. With brayden I was pregnant 2 weeks after trying and Whitney was an accident. I knew it could take awhile to get pregnant but in the back of my head I was sure I would be pregnant soon. Weeks past and months past many many pregnancy test later (probably close to 6) and still not pregnant. My period would start and I would feel like my heart hurt. Finally the end of sept I finally got a positive! I was excited and at peace. Life was crazy but I didn't feel much different. One Friday I put the kids on the bus and I started to bleed. I knew something was wrong but I was able to keep it together. Of course no dr we're available till Monday so I just went on with things like nothing was wrong. We went to visit my parents for a Halloween party. Monday I got into the dr. I was 6 weeks along and the dr confirmed I had lost the baby. I hurt but I was ok. I will never forget pain my heart felt when I passed the baby and had to say goodbye. I only had the baby with me for a few short weeks but it was already my baby. No one knew I had lost a baby so I grieved in silence. I had to pretend everything was ok even though I hurt inside. I had never before felt so loved and carried by my heavenly father. I know this was one of those trials in life that He was not walking by my side but instead he carried me through. I have never felt so close as those following weeks.
  A couple months later, I found out I was pregnant again.  I was excited and nervous.  Weeks went by and the morning sickness came and more weeks go by.  This pregnancy has been really hard.  I have been sick all day and even in the night.  But every time I run to the toilet I am so happy the baby is still with me.  Every time I go to the dr.  I feel nervous.  I am very much aware that having a healthy baby is a blessing that does not always happen.  I know the Lord is in complete control and I'm not sure what his plan.  I'm now 25 weeks pregnant and the baby is growing great.  I still get sick many times throughout the day and don't feel great but I am thankful each day for the little wiggle worm I have inside.